The Painful Cycle of Disconnection: How to Improve Conflict Resolution in Committed Relationships

I just got off a coaching call with a couple who are in a committed relationship with each other.

They are definitely IN. That is - they are committed to being with each other and making things work.

The problem was they were struggling with periods of conflict which would drive them apart for days at a time. Eventually, once things had cooled down, they would come back together and find some way to repair the damage.

Now, while I'm all for damage repair and I value the "coming back together" phase in relationships, it is important to note that these periods of driving them apart were painful AF.

They had just had a conflict prior to our call which was where they both drew a line in the sand. They NEVER wanted to experience something like that ever again. It was exquisitely painful for them.

Each of them had to deal with their own pain in isolation and with the additional pain of having a wedge in the relationship.

When I asked them what they wanted, they responded that they recognized the value of conflict, or at least the necessity of it. But they wanted to navigate conflict in a different way. They wanted to be able to stay as a team, even when the heat came on.

What a worthy goal!

Slowing Down the Movie: Becoming Aware of Conflict Patterns in Relationships

One of the things I have discovered from my work in Feldenkrais, is the immense value that comes from slowing things down

The truth is, life happens so fast and we have so many automatic reactions which all occur within the tiniest little slice of time

When the movie of your life is running at full speed, it's difficult to have any awareness of what happens - particularly in moments of intensity

It's like one of those intense mind-bending movies, where so much stuff just happened and you lose understanding of the plot all of a sudden

The magic thing is, it's possible to slow down our movies when it comes to conflict

We can dial back the speed and watch it frame by frame.

For example, she asks him a question around a difficult topic:

An emotion gets triggered in him, fear, sadness.
He experiences being "flooded" or overwhelmed
His defense mechanism comes on board - which for him is to put up a wall and shut down his communication.
He tries to get space from her.

When his wall goes up...

An emotion gets triggered in her. Abandonment. Fear. Sadness.
All her history of "not being important" in relationships (especially those early developmental ones) comes to the surface.
She feels unloved, unseen, unimportant.
Her defense mechanism comes on board and she wants to reach for more connection to reassure herself that he's still there.
She tries to ask him more questions to invite connection

The impact of all of this? (which happens in a matter of microseconds)

Days of her feeling unloved, unseen, not important.
Days of him feeling like he "should" be there for her. But wrestling with the "space" that he needs for himself to get his head clear and have self understanding.
Very little communication.

During that whole period... there is a wall up. A wall of disconnection. A wall that damages the joy, connection and intimacy in the relationship.

The more she reaches for connection, the more overwhelmed he feels, the more he wants to put up a wall and have his space, the more unimportant she feels and the more she wants to reach for connection.

And round...

And round it goes..

Ouch!

This couple is not alone in this experience. It's common! I hear variations of this pattern all the time.

In fact, it is driven by a well researched topic known as our attachment patterns. The pattern this couple has is what I call the caterpillar dance of the anxious and the avoidant. If you'd like to learn more about that, you can download my free guide to rekindling intimacy where I unpack it in more detail. .

What's the way out of this situation?

Build Awareness First: Empower yourself to make change

Getting aware that this pattern is running is crucial. Without the awareness of it, nothing can change. They are stuck like robots running the software they were programmed with.

So I helped them slow down their movie - as I described above.

When the movie is slower, there are more opportunities to step in and intervene - to make a different choice.

That, my friend, is empowerment

And when they go back home, they will be on alert - looking for more information which we may have missed during the session. They need to become like detectives, looking for clues which help them understand the crime-scene.

From Adversaries to Team Players: Re-orienting to Teamwork in Conflict Resolution

This couple recognised that teamwork was an important value of theirs. They wanted to stay on the same team even when there was conflict.

But the moment the uncomfortable feelings came online and the wall came up, they were adversaries.

From this framework, it's a zero sum game. A winner and a loser. War.

So that became the obvious question to focus on.

If you were a great team and you saw this dynamic happening, how would you do things differently?

They knew immediately. They could see that the dynamic that was happening was almost like a separate entity. They called it the tornado. It became them vs the tornado - that's teamwork!

Their challenge was to see it and name it while it was happening. To name the different parts of the tornado, even whilst it was spinning. This re-orientation, while it seems simple, is a powerful reframe that makes a huge difference.

Facing the Uncomfortable: The Power of Vulnerabilty in Destroying the Tornado

Eventually, once we had slowed down the movie enough, it became obvious that the thing that was driving the whole dynamic was pain.

Uncomfortable feelings that neither of them wanted to feel.

The way to override the whole painful experience of disconnection for days was to muster up some courage to go to that place of uncomfortable vulnerability... for both of them.

"I'm scared. I want you to know that I feel like pulling away, but I'm not going to because I care for you and you are important to me."

"I feel unimportant, sad and scared. I want you to know that I care about you and I want to stay connected with you. And if you need some space that is okay too."

The moment these two named their deep underlying fears and insecurities, the whole atmosphere changed.

Suddenly we were in the space of honesty, vulnerability and authentic humanness.

In this completely undefended space there is no need for "defense mechanisms".

It's a space of rich connection. Juicy, real vulnerable intimacy.

The space where they truly get to see one another in their essence.

Now THAT is a better outcome than disconnection if you ask me